| 10.18.2006 |
| IT'S FINALLY HERE! NEW! Pacific Mental Group (Sequal to 'Wedding of the Damned') |
M
Pacific Dental Group
“All aboard!” Lockhart shouted, leaning over the side of the humongous cruise ship. He yelled this a few more times, just to make sure everyone heard him.
Tory staggered on behind Katie, carrying all of her luggage as well as his own, as they walked aboard the Pacific Cruise Liner. Behind them was Dale, the poor stinky young man, then Mateo (not in a dress, yet), and finally Alex and Ashley.
Tory turned and looked back to the newly wed couple. They did not seem happy that practically half of the people at their wedding was going to join them on their honeymoo (yes, honeymoo, not honeymoon). Alex was surprised that the organ player and her husband decided to show up. To giant ship swayed slightly back and forth while docked. The group walked into the main floor lobby to catch a breath.
Tory dropped off the junk he was carrying, then plopped down in a chair next to the floor-to-ceiling window that looked out onto the main deck. He heard the sound about five plastic wheels rolling on wood as he sat. He quickly turned his head to face the window, but saw nothing. He shrugged it off, thinking it may have just been someone’s rolling luggage, which at this point he wished Katie had brought. But then he heard it again, only coming from the opposite direction than it did the first time. He turned quickly again to face the window but he saw nothing. Maybe he was just hearing things. Or was he?
After their quick break they made their way up a floor to their rooms. Since they were with the honeymoo couple, they all got to stay in the big rooms! Aren’t they special!
Tory opened the door to his and Katie’s room. They were at the far right side of the hall to everyone else. Kaplow went to her room just to the left of Tory’s and Alex and Ashley were to the left of Kaplow. Dale was on the other side of Alex and Ashley and Mateo was directly across from Kaplow, while Lockhart had his Captain’s Cabin directly across from Tory and Katie.
Tory and Katie got settled in their room and decided to rest for a little while. Tory climbed onto his bed next to Katie. Suddenly, there was a jolt as the Pacific Cruise Liner left the dock.
In the next room over, there was a loud thud as Kaplow fell down and rolled on the floor. Tory and Katie peeked out the door into the hall to see if Kaplow was alright. As Tory looked out, he saw Kaplow sprawled out on the floor in the middle of the hall. Tory heard the familiar sound of plastic wheels rolling and looked up the hall the opposite way of Kaplow and saw a man racing down the hall in a rolling office chair towards Kaplow. “Ahh! The brakes! The brakes!” he was saying. Tory got a confused look on his face. Professor BrINClHOF? Tory said to himself out loud. The sudden movement of the cruise liner had caused BrINClHOF to come flying down the hall. Kind of like when your mom hits the brakes too hard in the car and you feel your body center keep going. Same effect.
BrINClHOF continued to roll until he came to Kaplow. His wheels stopped on a dime, hitting Kaplow causing BrINClHOF to fly off his chair.
“¿Qué la cogida [What the fuck]?” Kaplow said. “¿Por qué el infierno rodaste sobre mí [Why the hell did you roll over me]? Asno mudo [Dumb ass]” Kaplow managed to get up and push Professor BrINClHOF away. BrINClHOF gave her a sad puppy-dog look on his face. Kaplow couldn’t help but feel a little bad for him.
Tory looked as Katie ran out into the hall, asking if BrINClHOF was okay. She gave him a sympathetic hug and brought his rolling office chair back to him. She helped him sit down and get resituated. Katie gave him a sweet smile like you would give a little kid if they said they liked your husband’s dress. She patted him on the head, and then he continued his way rolling down the hall.
Later, everyone went down to the bar to have a few drinks. They all walked in and sat down on the bar stools. Dale took a seat at the end and raised his hand to get the bartenders attention.
“Excuse me,” he said, putting his arm up in the air. Everyone to the right of Dale all plugged their noses and scoffed at the horrid smell of Dale’s B.O.. The bartender came over with a clothes pin on his nose. He tried wafting the smell that was coming his way.
“I don’t think anyone can excuse you,” the bartender said in a nasally voice. Dale looked at him with a confused look on his face.
“What do you mean?” Dale asked, genuinely curious.
“You mean you don’t know?” the bartender asked. Dale shook his head. As he did so, dandruff flew out of his hair and onto the dark marble bar counter. The bartender stared at it in disgust. “Just put your arm down and don’t make any sudden movements for God’s sake. Jesus,” the bartender sighed.
As the bartender got them some drinks, Tory looked at the oddly familiar bartender.
“なんてことだ、Gackt! 私は非常に愛する! [Oh my God, Gackt. I love you so much!]” Kaplow screamed at him. Gackt smiled flirtatiously and winked at Kaplow. “そう行っているあなたの通信販売の靴の販売はいかにか。[So how is your telemarketing shoe selling going?]” Kaplow asked him.
“What did she say?” Tory asked, looking at Katie.
“That’s the guy who was selling shoes at the wedding. Telemarketer Gackt. How could you forget that? Silly goose!” Katie replied.
“Hola, Gackt!” Katie said joyously. Gackt gave her a weird look like what a dumb shit. This chick is a fucking freak. But I guess I’ll have to learn to like her if I want to screw all the girls in the world. Unless I make her an exception. Katie continued to smile at him until Tory whacked her in the arm.
“Hello? Pay attention to me!” Tory said, jealously.
After a few hours in the bar, Lockhart made his way down to the bar to get drunk before his night shift driving the cruise liner. Dale had somehow made friends with another guy that looked just like him, and then everyone realized that he was just looking at himself in the reflection of one of the windows in the bar. Kaplow had started discussing her current job as a tattoo artist to Gackt and Mateo sat right outside the door playing with little Hot Wheels® cars with some other little kids whose parents were currently enjoying themselves in the bar. Tory joined Professor BrINClHOF and watched as the rocking of the cruise ship caused BrINClHOF to roll back and forth across the main deck on his rolling office chair. Katie danced with Lockhart for a while. Each of them had a bottle of beer in their hand. Katie had her one hand in his pocket of his pants (she liked his pants) and the other was wrapped around his neck, still holding her half-full beer bottle. Kaplow was sprawled out all over the bar and was drooling over Gackt.
“性交背部部屋の行きたいと思いなさいか。[Want to go fuck in the back room?]” Kaplow asked. Gackt eyed the room suspiciously, then grabbed Kaplow and dragged her into the back room and sucked her blood.
Sometime in the middle of the night, they all went back to their rooms to try to get some sleep. Tory went back to his room with Katie and just lied on their bed relaxing, eventually falling asleep together. Dale crashed as soon as he got to his room and Lockhart headed for the lookout post before he started his driving shift.
Lockhart held his telescope up to his eye and looked through it. Off in the far distance Lockhart could see a very tiny light circulating around a lighthouse tower on shore.
“Land ho!” Lockhart shouted. He brought the telescope away from his eye and pointed to the light.
The other Captain came over to the lookout tower and looked in the direction that Lockhart was pointing. The man in the red and green DCI marching band uniform squinted his eyes towards the light. He looked back to Lockhart up in the Crow’s Nest.
“You idiot! That’s the land we just came from!” The other Captain said.
“But Captain Minor, sir, it’s land!”
Captain Jesse Minor shook his head with despise at Lockhart.
“Would you just get down from there? Please?” Captain Minor begged. Then he turned and walked back to the steering cabin.
Back in the Honeymoo Suite, Alex and Ashley were having trouble sleeping.
“What’s that smell? Do you smell that?” Alex asked, sitting up in bed. Ashley sat up too and sniffed the air.
“Yeah! What is that?”
Alex got out of bed and his nose picked up the track and led him to an electrical outlet on the wall opposite the bed on the wall that they shared with Dale. Alex put his nose up to the electrical outlet and took a big whiff. Suddenly his entire face scrunched up and he fell backwards onto his butt.
Dale’s stink had gone through the wall and was invading Ashley’s Honeymoo Suite like cockroaches. Not only had Dale not showered since, well, nobody knows, but he also puked in his room too. His puke smelled worse than his body odor. In fact, it wasn’t odor; it was ‘oh-dear’ is what it was.
Alex stacked up his and Ashley’s luggage to block the electrical socket and tried to jam some toilet paper and socks in the holes to help plug them up. He got back into bed with Ashley and tried to go back to sleep.
The rocking of the ship was calming if you didn’t have a full stomach. And if you don’t have Professor BrINClHOF in the room right above yours. He had apparently fallen asleep in his rolling chair and was rolling back and forth across his room all night.
Crrrrr… Thump. Crrrrr… Thud. Crrrrr… Thump. Crrrrr… Thud. That’s what Ashley and Alex had to listen to all night. Sometimes the ship would hit a big swell and the ‘crrrrr’ would be longer and the ‘thud’ would be louder.
Tory got up mid-morning and took a shower. Katie followed afterwards and by then it was almost time for lunch.
Tory stood in the hall with Katie as she knocked on Kaplow’s door.
“Kaplow?” Katie asked. No answer. Katie tried on the door and it opened up. She walked in slowly, afraid that Kaplow could have been in the shower or something. But as she walked in, she noticed Kaplow was still in bed. Well, actually, she was still on her bed. The sheets had been twisted and wrapped around her feet and ankles like a vine growing up a tree. The sheets no longer covered her as she lied there looking dead on top of the mattress.
“Kaplow!” Katie said in a loud whisper.
Kaplow jumped about ten feet into the air almost hitting the ceiling and then tried to get off of her bed but tripped because of the sheets and fell face first on the carpet. She managed to untangle herself and stand up. She started mumbling to herself a bunch in some other language. Tory and Katie decided to just meet Kaplow down at one of the restaurants onboard.
Once everyone was seated, the waiter rolled over.
“Hello. My name is Professor BrINClHOF and I will be your waiter today,” he said, bowing in his rolling office chair. Tory put his face in his hands and shook his head.
“Not again,” he mumbled.
“Our special today is the shrimp taco, no, wait, the fish and chips. Yes, the fish and chips. But, that was the special yesterday so it can’t be the special today too. Then it must be the halibut. Wait, that’s not right either. Let me think, salmon? No. Crab?” BrINClHOF started to talk to himself, trying to figure out what the special was.
After a few minutes of BrINClHOF trying to figure himself out, Dale asked what the special was, he really needed to know I guess.
“I don’t know anymore,” BrINClHOF whined.
“We’ll all just have the #5,” Alex said. BrINClHOF let out a long, heavy sigh.
“Thank goodness. I know that #5 is the shrimp casserole,” BrINClHOF said, rolling back to the kitchen to place the order.
Tory looked over at Katie.
“Isn’t the #5 the fish taco?” he whispered. Katie shrugged and took a drink of her Mountain Dew. Tory turned to look at Dale, who was sitting across from him and Dale held his arms up and shrugged, shaking his head like he didn’t know either.
Everyone quickly plugged their noses but Kaplow’s reaction was late because she was too busy drooling over Gackt the Bartender/Telemarketer over at the bar. As the smell hit her, Kaplow’s eyes rolled back in her head and she fell over backwards in her chair.
“Oh my gosh!” Dale said. He leaned over Mateo and reached for Kaplow to help her up. Mateo turned his head away from Dale afraid he was going to puke.
“Non ! Non ! Ne pas me toucher ! Obtenir loin de moi la chienne ! [No! No! Don't touch me! Get away from me bitch!]” Kaplow yelled at him. Gackt came running over to her and help her up.
“Why don’t you come with me,” Gackt offered.
“Svp. Allons sur une fête d'achats ! [Please. Let's go on a shopping spree!]” She said. Gackt took her hand and walked her out of the restaurant.
Tory and Katie explored the shops on the ship and played some games in the arcade. Occasionally they would see Kaplow and Gackt walk out of the expensive stores with bags and bags full of things. Some places that Tory thought were weird were the Italian Leather shoe stores and the Benz store. What kind of cruise ship sells cars in their gift shops? This one apparently. They saw Mateo playing some games with some little kids in the arcade and even saw him break down in tears when a four-year-old beat him on the air-hockey table.
Alex and Ashley enjoyed themselves in the spa getting cucumbers shoved into their eye sockets and acid poured onto their faces. They believed they were okay to do because the pamphlet said this:
“Significant complications with chemical peels are frequent, potential complications include:
Scarring
Infection
Temporary or permanent changes in skin tone or uneven tone (especially with Phenol peels). These include
Hyperpigmentation (a darkening of the skin, treatable in most cases with current bleaching techniques)
Hypopigmentation (a lightening of the skin, more difficult to treat)
Cold sore breakouts in patients who have a history of recurring blisters and cold sores, like herpes and shingles. (An anti-viral medication before the procedure can help prevent this.)
Risks for those with a family history of heart disease (Phenol peel only)
I would definitely want to try that. Wouldn’t you? Of course! Right? Anywho, they enjoyed themselves and only got minor burns that the onboard plastic surgeon said should heal up before the trip was over.
Later that evening, everyone met up at the bar (except for Dale, he was barfing in his room). After a few drinks, Kaplow got up and left. A few minutes later, the song “I’m too Sexy” came on over the speakers. The door that led out from the back room swung open and Kaplow walked out wearing Gucci and shiny black Italian Leather heels with a pink feather boa. She jumped up on top of the bar and used it as a catwalk as she strolled down it. Gackt came out after her and walked down the catwalk also wearing very expensive clothes.
Kaplow and Gackt would walk out, then back to the back room and continue to come out with different clothes on. Then Ms. Lockhart came out wearing hooker boots and a pleather skirt and top. She was married to Lockhart be she didn’t deserve him. He was better than that. She starts to do a pole dance on top of the bar, then BrINClHOF comes rolling in at high speed and plowed through an aisle of people knocking them down like bowling pins.
“Whoa! Watch out! Brakes don’t work! Coming through!” BrINClHOF yelled as he passed through the bar. Ms. Lockhart ran out after him to help him try to stop. Tory and Katie ran out after her along with half the other people in the bar. Tory and Katie stepped outside and saw Ms. Lockhart calling BrINClHOF’s name.
“BrINClHOF! BrINClHOF dear! Where art thou?” she said. She looked around and didn’t see him.
Then Tory heard the sound of rolling office chairs on the wood floor and looked up the deck a ways. Ms. Lockhart had her back turned to the direction BrINClHOF was coming and she couldn’t hear the noise of the wheels because of all the guys whistling and yelling at her. She leaned out over the railing and just as she did this, BrINClHOF came pounding into her causing her to flip over the railing of the ship.
As she fell she let out a scream that became quieter and quieter as she fell down to Davy Jones’ locker below. It made Tory think of the cheap movies when someone falls down a hole and their scream gets farther and farther away. Then there was a splash and all the guys said “Ooh” at the same time. Everyone shuffled back into the bar. As they walked by Tory, he heard them saying things like “Bummer, I would have paid good money for her too” or “Man, why do all the hookers I meet always jump off the side of a boat?”
Tory and Katie walked over to the side of the railing and looked down. BrINClHOF rolled up next to them and looked over the side also. He had a slightly sad look on his face.
“Uh-oh, my mommy’s gonna be very mad about this. I’m gonna be in big trouble,” he said with a “little kid” tone in his voice. Katie looked at him and patted him on the shoulder, then both Tory and Katie walked back to their rooms.
Kaplow finished up her fashion show in the bar, then went back to her room. BrINClHOF followed her back in his rolling chair, staying right by her side like a dog. Kaplow tried to shoo him away as she opened her door, but he wouldn’t budge. Then she got an idea. She looked up and down the halls suspiciously and when the coast was clear, she pushed her door open and shoved BrINClHOF inside. She quickly shut the door behind her and made sure it was locked. BrINClHOF began to get a little scared. Kaplow reached into one of her suitcases and pulled out an industrial sized roll of super duct tape. She glared at BrINClHOF evilly and pulled on one end of the tape. BrINClHOF’s eyes got enormous and he swallowed hard. Kaplow backed him into a corner and placed a piece of duct tape over his mouth. She scrambled around the room trying to duct tape BrINClHOF to his chair but it was hard to hold him still.
When she managed to get him completely duct taped to his chair, she pulled out her tattoo supplies and attempted to hold BrINClHOF down. She was almost about to puncture his skin with the needle but he pushed himself through the wall into Ashley and Alex’s room. He looked wide-eyed at the newly-wed couple and then motioned to the door with his head. Alex got out of bed and opened the door for BrINClHOF and he shot himself down the hall to get as far away from Kaplow as he could.
Kaplow looked out the hall and saw no sign of BrINClHOF. She looked up the hall, then down the hall, then straight across the hall. Mateo’s room. Kaplow went back to her room and picked up a little toy car and then went over to Mateo’s room and knocked on the door.
He answered in his boxers and started at Kaplow. She waved the toy car in front of Mateo’s face and a great big smile spread across his face as he reached for it. Kaplow slowly walked backwards towards her room, leading Mateo to follow her.
Once he was in her room, she locked the door again and told Mateo to sit down against the wall. She gave him the toy car to play with to distract him. Then she held her needle to his arm and began to give him a tattoo. She had never really given one before and as soon as the needle penetrated Mateo’s skin, he began to scream and cry. He wriggled in her grasp as he tried to escape from the pain. In the next room over, Tory and Katie woke up to the sound of someone screaming.
“What’s going on over there?” Katie asked Tory as he sat up, shirtless, in bed.
“I don’t even want to know. It’s coming from Kaplow’s room though.
Mateo continued to scream and cry and kick throughout the night, and Kaplow wouldn’t loosen her grip on Mateo’s arm.
The next morning, Kaplow opened the door and let Mateo out. Tory had been walking down the hall to the soda machines to get some Mountain Dew for him and Katie. He saw Mateo staggering across the hall to his room, holding his swollen arm still sniffling slightly from crying all night. Mateo walked into his room and shut the door. When Tory walked back to his room, he told Katie about what he had seen.
That night, everyone got drunk and was at a party on the top of the cruise ship. It was the wildest thing any of them had ever been through. Nobody left the party wearing the same clothes that they came in. Lockhart was ‘making it’ with ALL the ladies and BrINClHOF was still duct taped to his rolling chair. But every time someone bumped into poor little BrINClHOF he would roll all the way across the deck and almost flip over the railing into the deep sea below. Kaplow even made a speech.
“Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth, upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of it, as a final resting place for those who died here, that the nation might live. This we may, in all propriety do. But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow, this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have hallowed it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here; while it can never forget what they did here.
It is rather for us the living, we here be dedicated to the great task remaining before us--that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they here gave the last full measure of devotion--that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth."
After her speech, the party got even more crazy
Suddenly, there was a loud whistle blowing and everyone (even the partially nude ones) turned to see where the obnoxious noise was coming from. Then a man on a speeding podium rolled briskly to the center of the half-naked mob and blew his whistle again. Everyone faced the man on the two-wheeled rolling podium. Tory looked over at Katie next to him and caught her checking out so said rolling-podium man. Tory jealously elbowed her in the arm.
“What?” Katie asked, slightly irritated.
“Stop looking at him like that,” Tory said, sternly.
“I was just staring at his butt, or should I say the fact that he doesn’t have one!”
Then their attention was shifted to the ass-less rolling-podium man who was loudly clearing his throat.
“Attention! My name is Officer Tim and I have been ordered here to break up this little celebration by Captain Jesse Minor,” the ass-less rolling-podium man said.
“Who?” Everyone said in unison.
“The one with the red face,” Officer Tim said. Everyone ‘oh-ed’ now understanding who Captain Minor was. “So if any of you feel that you have been bad, please feel free to stop by my office… ladies,” Officer Tim said, winking at some girls and suggestively raising his eyebrows up and down. Then he rolled his way back to his station. Everyone shuffled back to the halls all half-naked and drunk.
Things were crazy that night, I mean, half-naked drunk people on a mental, -er… dental, cruise ship. Things got especially confusing after the trip, about 6 ½ years later. And that’s where the next story takes place. |
posted by Katie @ 9:25 PM  |
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